i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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