she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize