the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
