I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
