Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
