i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
