Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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