What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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