so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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