If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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