The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize