I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
