I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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