i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My vagina just recognized that song.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
