the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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