I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize