So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
