Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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