You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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