finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
