I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
