I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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