i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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