I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
