Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize