So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He felt like a one man threesome
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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