i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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