Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
