I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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