I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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