I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
