If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
