two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
