Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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