Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Semen is not good for contacts.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
