I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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