well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
