I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just had sex bonerless
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
