She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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