I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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