i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
