It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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