Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
