The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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