trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
