I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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