My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
