He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
