Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I can text with my tongue
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
