alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
