The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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