My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
