I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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