I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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