Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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