On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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